Unemployed Yet Again

(in keeping with my promise to post a bunch of old stuff, this was something that actually happened in December 2010)

Today my only plan was to go to the liquor store, to pick up a bottle of Bailey’s that I had promised to bring to a holiday party at a friend’s place. When you have only one errand to run, somehow your whole day revolves around that. So today was liquor store day, and then I got an email about a job from someone requesting a phone interview. Well, naturally, my first thought was “I will have to schedule this phone call around my trip to the liquor store.” (have I mentioned that the store is 2 blocks away?) Ummm….maybe that kind of thinking is the reason I don’t already have a job?

When the next interviewer asks me about my ability to “prioritize,” maybe it’s best if I don’t share this one?? ha ha. (btw, I obv didn’t get that job - but that’s a story for another post…)

Since my job/project is ending soon, I need to find something else to do for a few months until grad school starts in the fall. (Funny, I always thought that the one thing I would NEVER turn out to be is one of those career students. I guess you really can’t predict anything.)

Naturally, I’m searching for some sort of summer job/part-time job I could keep during the fall semester. However, since I’m find it just as difficult to find a part-time job as a full-time one, I’m trying to think up some additional ideas. Here they are:

• watch everything on HBO GO online (it contains almost every HBO show ever created)
• watch everything in my Netflix Instant queue via my Blu-Ray player
• watch the entire Homicide: Life on the Street box set (I’ve been meaning to do this for a while)
• go to the park or something (note: this is unlikely to actually occur)
• read all my shelves of books I’ve been meaning to read
• volunteer - it’s better than an internship since at least it would involve a worthwhile cause (note to self: find a worthwhile cause). 
• try to start some kind of freelance writing career (I’ve tried, very briefly, in the past, but didn’t get very far).
• put together a book proposal about unemployment in America among 20-somethings (probably the same idea every other unemployed 20-something has).
• I dunno, anyone have any other ideas??

It sounds horrible, but I’ve realized that everyone I know who attended graduate school (for any degree) hated it and frequently tries to discourage other people from following in their footsteps. I know that some of my followers are considering business school - good luck and I hope it works out better for you than it did for me (I mean that sincerely) - but I have to admit that if I could go back in time a few years, I wouldn’t have gone. Sometimes a friend of a friend will message me on facebook to ask me questions about my school. As business schools go, I guess my school was ok, but since I’ve had so many bad experiences with the job market and interviews, I usually try to advise people to do something else.

Back to the beginning of this post: In the age-old tradition of “do as I say, not as I do (because I already made the mistake so you wouldn’t have to)” - I also know people who discourage others from:

going to law school

getting a Ph.D.

getting a masters degree in:

urban planning

graphic design

architecture

public policy

film

journalism

Is there anyone out there who is happy about getting a graduate degree AND managed to get a job that really did require the degree?

Here are some of the scammy things I’ve encountered during my long, long search for gainful employment:

• After applying for a job online (usually from craigslist) - I’ve received an email with a link to some site, saying that they need a credit check before the interview. Since those emails are always written like the Nigerian prince “let me transfer money to your bank account” emails, I’ve never responded to them. Still, it’s a hassle to apply for a job and have to deal with this is response. I just got one a minute ago, requesting me to fill out a “pre-interview screening” online. I assume that this whole thing is a scam to get people’s personal info and social security numbers.
• After applying to a job, being contacted by a recruiter who asks me to come in to meet him or her. Once there, the original job is never mentioned, but they proceed to interrogate me for hours about all of my previous positions. They promise to call me if something ever comes up, but this rarely happens. This is a classic “bait-and-switch” tactic, and they call candidates in to get info on companies where they’ve worked previously, so that they can attempt to take on those firms as clients.
• Applying for a job, then being contacted by a recruiter who wants to use me to get the names of more senior people I’ve worked with in the past, who would be therefore qualified for more senior level jobs, and help them get a bigger commission.

Anyone have any experiences to share?

Here are some of my recent experiences with recruiters:

• I applied for a job, someone called me, we discussed it on the phone, and I went in to meet her. Then I had to take all these annoying tests on Word and Excel (I know what people lie and they need to test your knowledge, but seriously, these days, most people (especially anyone with a business degree, either undergrad or MBA) are familiar with all the MS Office programs.) I even had to take a typing test. It was embarrassing, but I figured it would be worth it if I got the job we had talked about. I finally met the woman, and she promised to send in my resume. Then… a week later she called to tell me that the company isn’t hiring right now! The job she had told me all about doesn’t even exist!
• Someone else (from a different agency) called me about a job that I had applied for which required “expert” knowledge of Excel. Again, I took some online tests and got fairly high grades. I had to go in and meet the temp agency recruiter before I even went on the interview for the company I’d be working for. Then I had the “real” interview at the company. The woman kept asking me to describe specific Excel projects I had worked on and EXACTLY how I had used certain functions. As anyone who had used Excel knows, most of the time you look up the functions as you go, and use trial and error to figure out the best way to get the result you need. It’s pretty difficult to talk about those functions in conversation without a computer in front of you. I haven’t heard back yet,  but I’m pretty sure that I didn’t get it. Anyway, then I talked to the temp agency person later in the day, told her about it, and received a lecture about how she “told [me] that’s what the interview was going to be about.” Yeah, she did warn me about it in advance, but she had also told me that it would probably be tough to talk about Excel so she wouldn’t blame me if it didn’t go well. So then I got a lecture from her, which was fun, of course.
• A while back, I met this guy from yet another agency, who told me the following heartwarming tale while trying to persuade me that many of the temps find permanent work through them: “There was one girl, she was temping for someone who went out on medical leave. Then she wound up staying there full-time, because the person never came back. Actually, she died.” He wasn’t kidding. There wasn’t even an obligatory disclaimer of “of course it’s horrible, you wouldn’t wish that on anyone, etc.” Nope, it was supposed to an inspirational story! Apparently, one person’s death is another person’s great new job! (Worst of all, I had to sit there, nodding and smiling as if this were normal, instead of running away screaming - which is what I really wanted to do.)
• Also, I learned from that guy that the term for a temp job going perm is “conversion” - when he said it, I knew that it sounded familiar - then I realized that it was the title of an episode of the HBO prison show Oz (which I had watched a few days before that meeting), proving my theory that all jobs are like prison. 
• Same guy - when he went through my resume and asked me about all of my previous companies, he asked at one point “do they ever hire temps?” I instantly knew exactly what he was getting at, and it gave me that sinking feeling. He was clearly looking for a new client for himself. These people are so transparent. They also like to ask if you can refer any other unemployed people to them, and I always want to say “help ME get a job first. If you’re any good, then maybe I’ll introduce you to some other people. But I’M the one who’s here now.” So many of these so-called recruiters are useless, I wouldn’t send any of my friends in to waste their time if it turns out that they don’t actually have any jobs to offer, as many don’t.
• As I’ve posted before, I’ve read that some of these agencies actually make their money my publishing info about salaries at different companies. There was another woman, at yet another agency who interrogated me so thoroughly about my salary history dating back to 2003, that I’m sure this was the case. She also told me about a great-sounding job that she promised to send me the description for. Well, this was several months ago, and I’m still waiting for her email! (Just kidding. I did send her several follow up emails, requesting that description, and she never replied to any of them.)
• There are more stories like this, but I’m getting angry and depressed thinking about it, so I’m going to take a break now.

From an ad I just saw:

” This is a volunteer position. Each assignment must be treated like a paying job, with the same kinds of responsibilities and obligations.”

It was for a marketing internship. Here’s the thing - if it’s ACTUALLY a volunteer job, for a nonprofit, then you are looking for VOLUNTEERS. Therefore, do not post it on a job site! Obviously volunteers or interns should not be expected to have the same level of commitment as an employee - if you truly expect a worker to take on the responsibilities of a paid employee - guess what, you should be paying them!

Ugh, I hate to write something w/ such a depressing title. But it’s true:( I just got a rejection email from some job I interviewed for yesterday. It’s gotten to the point where I actually appreciate that people even notify me so that I don’t have to chase them down to get my rejection!

Anyway, it was another one of those “we went in a different direction” emails… I’m thinking of writing back to say “which direction is that?” or something along those lines. I just wish that they could be honest, but of course they can’t be too honest because they don’t want to get sued. I have a feeling that my MBA made me “overqualified,” something that I hear a lot these days. I’ve been hearing it for YEARS, since I got my MBA almost 2 years ago - and even earlier than that, when I interviewed for jobs (as a grad student) I used to hear the same thing a lot. This guy yesterday asked me “what do you want to do long term? What did you want to do when you went to business school?”

Here’s the truth: I was going to be an accountant, but after one semester, I could see that it wasn’t going to work out. Accounting is harder than it looks. One class taught me that. I tried finance for a few semesters - all of the interviews I went on were horrible (most of the stories from this blog are about finance interviews), and it was clear that finance wouldn’t work out either. But I was almost done w/ my degree, so I switched my major (yes, in business school there are majors, like college - it’s pretty dumb) to marketing. I thought that maybe I could get some sort of marketing/communications jobs that involved research reports or writing marketing proposals or something. I didn’t. I’ve interviewed for a few of those jobs, but they were never offered to me.

Anyway, so I’m left to beg for jobs I’m supposedly “overqualified” for (their words, NOT mine - at this point I’d be happy to have a job). Then the employer inevitably “goes in a different direction” or whatever crap they want to call it… and I’m home applying for yet MORE jobs on craigslist, a website that’s basically a cross between a yard sale and a whorehouse.

Other news from today:

a recruiter in CT (I live in NY and I could commute there for a good job, but it would have to pay enough to justify traveling round trip on metro north EVERY DAY - which I doubt this job does) sent out an email to everyone she knows about a call center opening in Stratford. At this point, I would sign up if it were closer:(:( But I’m not commuting for that.

Some other recruiter called me about a job I applied for. I didn’t pick up the phone, since I recognized her number. Then she left me a voicemail. Here it is: “Hi, it’s [her name]. I got your resume for the creative assistant position we posted on craigslist. I’m working on a position at a financial company, and I saw that you had also worked at [bankrupt investment bank] so I thought I’d give you a call. Call me back at [her number].”

Ok, notice anything wrong here? She blatantly skipped over the job I had actually applied for (because it’s not real, it was never real - those postings are called “ghost jobs” - yes, there is an actual term for the fake jobs posted by headhunters). Anyway, I hesitate to call her because I’ve been to that place (her agency) before, to meet with someone else who has since quit working there, and they never seem to have any real jobs. I recently read that headhunters actually make their money from selling info GIVEN to them by job-seekers about their salaries and benefits at previous jobs. (Rather than from commission, as you would assume.) So, this other horrible-sounding job she wants me to come in for might not even exist!

Anyway, back to my original point. Anyone have any idea how to deal with the “you’re overqualified” issue? Yesterday I told the guy something along the lines of “I want to get a long term stable job. I was looking for a job in marketing, but there aren’t a lot, so I just want to get one job and stay there.” I really have no idea how else to approach this one. No one ever seems to believe me! What do you guys think? Anyone have a better answer?

Highlights (more like lowlights, really) from various jobs. Some of these overlap, but I’ve cut each one down to a bullet point so that no one can identify the companies.

• Bathrooms were frequently out of order. Also, there were few public bathrooms in the neighborhood.
• Heat didn’t work. People sat at their desk wearing their coats all day. Yes, in February. I had a space heater by my feet, so my ankles were so hot they felt burnt, while the rest of my body was frozen solid.
• Sat near a date-stamping machine, which “clicked” loudly every minute to a new time. On my first day, I thought it was a bomb. After a few hours, I wished that it were, to break up the monotony.
• Performance reviews consisted of being (unfavorably, of course) compared to other employees. Professional phrases such as “[coworker’s name] kicks ass. She kicked ass right away. You need to take more initiative!” were frequently employed. By the way, it was not a sales position.
• Coworkers often walked by while talking and looking right at me. I would turn, only to see that they were talking to someone behind me. No one ever acknowledged this. I was so unimportant that they could see right through me, like a sheet of glass.
• Was not invited to company holiday party. When someone else went to the boss to ask her to invite me, she must have said no, because no invitation materialized.
• Had to account for every minute spent at work, in 15-minute increments. (Ok, it was a law firm, and that’s standard practice. But still.)
• Got fired for no reason with no warning. Yes, that’s the meaning of “at-will employment.” They can fire you, and you can’t sue them. Well, I guess you can, but you won’t win.
• Temp job where attempt to engage group of perm  employees in small talk was met with collective blank stare.
• Temp job where perm replacement showed up with no warning. I had to train her on how to use the phone system, voice mail, the computer, etc. She had never done any of those things before. But she was more qualified than I was for the job, right?
• Multiple jobs where employees talked about new/potential hires as if we were in prison. (“Oh, are we getting new interns? Good, because I need someone to do my bitch work. I’m going to make one of those kids my bitch.”) Everyone, stop this! It’s very very creepy!
• Several jobs where the actual duties had no relation at all to the original job description. Ok, I’m willing to be somewhat flexible, but really? You gave me a job description for a reason! That’s what I was willing to do. Not all this other crap that I was never trained for/warned about!

When I play my iPod on shuffle, it seems to select that “Why Don’t You Get a Job” song by Offspring a lot. Also, once I was waiting in line to take a civil service test (which, needless to say, led me exactly nowhere in life), it selected “Take This Job and Shove It” from the Office Space soundtrack.

Clearly, my iPod is psychic.

I’ve noticed that there’s an almost perfect inverse correlation between what people tell you on an interview and their future behavior. Meaning that every time an interviewer basically promised me the job or a second interview on the spot, I never heard from that person again, and they never again took my calls or responded to my emails.

I noticed a post on Craigslist for a “marketing executive”. Everything looked okay until I read the salary line. Has the bar come down that low?

Marketing Executive

Date:

Reply to: [Errors when replying to ads?]

Nikkei Marketing Limited is a company that specializes in the sales, marketing and distribution of Red Reishi Mushroom Supplements to the Natural Health sector and are looking for a full-time Marketing Executive to perform the duties listed below: 

DUTIES 

Project Management 

• Manage the advertising, branding and creative assets of the company. 

• Ensure that project outcomes are high quality, on time and within budget. 

• Must be highly organized and efficient, as work usually involves managing several complicated and time-sensitive projects simultaneously. 

Routing 

• Ensure that ads and assets are approved accordingly by managers and directors through routing. 

• Develop relationships and experience within the company to ensure that materials are routed quickly and efficiently. 

Outside Vendors 

• Communicate with outside vendors that may require legal vetting or a formal Request for Proposal to determine an estimate and scope of work, depending on an organization’s policy. 

• Track project budget details with an outside vendor as well as manage invoicing and other financial details. 

Timeline and Calendar Management 

• Create the timelines that guide creative and marketing projects for the company. 

• Distribute timelines and reminders to co-workers and vendors as a due date approaches to ensure that tasks are completed on time. 

Technology 

• Be fluent in the Microsoft Office Suite of programs, including Outlook, Word, PowerPoint and Excel. 

• Have experience with creative software such as Adobe Photoshop and Dreamweaver. 

• Create HTML e-newsletters as well as blog and website content. 

Social Networking 

• Manage company presence on social networking sites such as Facebook and Twitter. 

EXPERIENCE 

• Prior experience in a fast-paced consumer or packaged goods within a manufacturing, branded or distributor business model is required. 

• Prior experience managing social networking modules an asset. 

SKILLS 

• Ability to juggle competing priorities with sensitive timelines, combined with a strong sense of urgency, passion for business and interpersonal skills are essential. 

• Strong knowledge of Microsoft Office is required. 

• Basic to intermediate proficiency with Adobe Creative Suite, especially InDesign, Photoshop and Illustrator. 

• Database communication software an asset. 

EDUCATION 

• Post-secondary degree or diploma in Marketing required, unless proven with experience. 

SALARY 

• $30,000 - $35,000 annual salary depending on experience plus attractive, unique health and wellness benefits. 

If you have experience and enthusiasm for marketing and is considering working in the field of natural health, please forward your cover letter and resume to the email address linked above. 

Only successful applicants will be contacted. 

Location:

Compensation: $30,000 - $35,000 annual salary depending on experience plus attractive, unique health and wellness benefits.

Principals only. Recruiters, please don’t contact this job poster.

Please, no phone calls about this job!

Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

PostingID:

Looking for someone who is detial-orientated

• Are you sure about that??

Looking for a hard-working self-starter to work in a fast-paced environment (ad in entirety).

• Uh, care to explain the actual job? I guess not…

Looking for someone with 35 years of internet experience.

• Pretty sure that’s a typo, and they meant “3-5 years.” No one has 35 years of internet experience, except maybe Al Gore. I don’t think that you are “detial-orientated.”

Looking for someone with an advanced degree and 5 years experience for a full-time unpaid internship.

• If you want to hire someone with a degree and experience, you have to pay them. If you don’t understand that, I don’t know how I can explain it to you…

Looking for a student for a full-time unpaid internship.

• Students, by definition, attend school. Anyone enrolled in any sort of school probably can’t work full-time (and if they can, would not do so for free). Did you leave your common sense at home today?

Random questions like: if you were an animal/car, what kind would you be?

• Can this be any more humiliating? No really, can it be?

Must be thick-skinned and able to take constructive criticism.

• Red flag. Anything related to being “thick-skinned” really means “boss likes to verbally abuse employees in order to prove that they are the dominant one, due to unresolved (yet predictable) childhood issues.”

Looking for someone with experience performing research.

• What kind of research? Google searches? Sure, I can do a Google search. Then again, I bet an ape could too, with minimal training.

Looking for someone with good communication skills.

• I always wonder if there’s anyone out there who sees that criterion and thinks “guess I won’t apply for that one. I’m holding out for the job where they want someone with ‘lousy communication skills!’”

Specify your salary requirements.

• Because we’re going to hire the person with the most experience and the lowest standards.

Salary: $45-50M.

• I wish that this salary were real, but somehow I have a feeling that they meant “45-50K” rather than “45-50M.” Just because it’s also a letter doesn’t mean that it means the same thing!

Looking for someone with a great personality, must be really bubbly and positive at all times!

• First of all, that’s not my idea of a great personality. But I digress. Are you providing the drugs to ensure that your staff is “really happy/bubbly all the time?” Of course not, you don’t even offer health insurance!

Looking for a “rock star”…

• Unless you want someone to play the guitar/go on concert tours/take tons of drugs, you are not in fact looking for a “rock star.”

Looking for someone who is discrete…

• As they say in ‘The Princess Bride,’ “You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.’” They mean “discreet.” This is a very common misspelling in job ads. Again, someone is not “detial-orientated!”

Looking for someone to “wear a lot of hats”…

• As in - one day it’s a top hat, the next day it’s a baseball cap, then a wool hat, then a fedora…?

Looking for someone who is bilingual.

• Would you take someone whose second language is anything? Even Esperanto?

On the other hand, there is: Looking for someone fluent in Spanish, Arabic, Italian, German or Portuguese.

• What kind of weird company is this? They have clients in different countries, but they currently can’t communicate with most of them??

Low pay, but we have a great espresso machine!

• WTF? How stupid do you think I am? I’d rather get paid a higher salary and buy my own coffee, thanks.

Casual dress code (but no jeans).

• What the hell does casual mean to you, if it doesn’t include jeans??

We’re really crazy/zany/weird, but we have a great time together and go to happy hour every Thursday/Friday!

• Run. Seriously, run far away. Anyone who describes themselves as “zany” should be avoided at all costs. (This is from multiple real ads on Craigslist.) And is happy hour the ONLY selling point of the job? Because in that case, I can skip the whole “working” part and just meet up with you guys at the bar.

Lots of projects…

• Like what? Do you want to be more specific? I guess not.

Must have a collage degree.

• I don’t have a degree in collage, but I do have one in macramé. Will that suffice?

Looking for someone with a 2 or 4-year degree.

• Which one? If you’d take someone with a 2 year degree, I’m so glad that I wasted my time and money getting a B.A.! (Not to mention my graduate degree.)

Must be willing to do anything.

• Anything? Really?? Even actual whores aren’t willing to do anything!

Ridiculous Job Ad

This is definitely a joke, but there are many ads out there like this…asking for way too much work/previous experience/dedication for too little money!